It's been snowing for nearly 24 hours and I think around 16 inches of snow has covered our neighbourhood in a beautiful white blanket. I went out for a walk today, wading through deep powdery snow and was thankful and happy. I love when nature takes over and thwarts our plans! It was slightly frustrating having to wade out through the snow at 8am to go to the local hardware store to get a plunger to fix a blocked toilet though!

On a different note, our lives have been turned inside out and upside down in the last 3 months. We have moved into a time of transition in the church structure and leadership, national financial crisis and its consequences and my returned depression.

I had horrid post-natal depression after my little man was born and having come off the drugs in June, I thought it was gone. But I guess life got too much and being away from home and coping with huge life-stressors pushed my delicate, newly restored brain chemicals too far! I have lots to learn about how best to cope with stress and anxiety - I'm not the world's best.

But I have really come more to terms with limitations and that it's ok to be who I am. I have spent many, many of my adult years pursuing being a superwoman, out to conquer the world, climb mountains, be all and do all and now I have realised I can't.

It was a bit of a shock, but more of a relief. It feels nice to not be striving. Most of all it feels nice, so, so good to know really deep inside that my abba loves me in whatever state I am. He doesn't ask me to perform to win his affections, or to be perfect to make him love me. I'm beginning to realise, in this my 35th year on the earth, that he loves me no matter what I do and that all he asks is that I bask in it and let the fruit, the life change, the love for others come from doing so. He has come to me; I don't have to strive to find him. It's a good place to be.

It has been a long time since I've blogged. Many reasons: having friends to stay, moving house, life issues and joining Facebook. But the need has come to process again.

Yesterday we went to the last day of a conference at Cedar Ridge community church. The building is set in a large bunch of acres of grassy farmland in which they have set up prayer stations and a labyrinth. During Reuben's sleep time I decided to go round the labyrinth to cast some woes upon Jesus and see what came of it. I haven't been sleeping much over the last few days and was exhausted, with lots of questions about why fears are there. I walked around the labyrinth, heavier with each step until I came to the middle where I sat and wept and wept in front of my God. He took my tears and showed me a memory of a painful moment of my childhood which caused some of my anxiety and broke its power. I found my abba again and walked out of the labyrinth lighter-hearted.

I realised how little I have been looking after myself, probably for a long while now. I have become consumed with making sure life happens and coping and getting on with things. Fatal, almost, error. I realised how much more I need to take some time each week to be alone, out of the house with no responsibility and how much I need days like yesterday where I can walk in fields and be with my abba. Let it be Lord. Help me and us to make space.

It also made me think about the wonderful treasure there is in historical, liturgical, mysterious ways of meeting with God. The monastic life has survived for a long time and has many plus points to learn from I think. I was looking at a website today that had a picture of the cloisters of a monastery on it and I could almost breath in the peace which my soul remembered from spending retreat days in them in the UK.

Today our friend, Tim, who we used to live next door to in Bristol along with his wife Julie and Alisha their little girl, left to go back to the UK. He spent one night with us after a few days of business in DC.

It is hard to be a foreigner in a foreign land and all that can be said is that it is so good to be known. Really known I guess, by someone who has 5 years of history with us as a couple and 10 years of friendship with Tom. Our friends here are very special and amazing people but at the moment friendship of a short length is superseded by friendship of being really known and it feels hard to be left.

Now I know that gun law is a controversial thing, but this article really did it for me today. I especially like the bit which says:

"For some reason, most people think that carrying guns is sinful. It's not. I think my life is worth protecting."

I feel that somewhere her logic about sin hasn't quite been extended to the other end of the sentence.

Two other things I have been thinking about:

1. I love chipmunks! They are small, timid, very cute and we have a billion of them around our woody garden

2. I also am still loving our bank (I have previously been enamoured by their constant free provision of nice coffee when you go in and the occasional cake). The other day I went to pay in my cheque to find some of the employees barbeque-ing outside! Upon enquiring what was going on, I found out it was a customer appreciation day and they were giving away free hotdogs, crisps, drinks and cake! Even though I know that it is a big gimmick to try and win more people in, especially with the economy, I was won over and professed my undying loyalty. 

Wimbledon started today - HOORAY!!! I love Wimbledon. I don't really know why - I don't watch the other tournaments. It captures me though and I really could happily spend 2 weeks solidly watching tennis. 

I have managed to find some good coverage here on ESPN2 (for some ridiculous reason the Tennis Channel isn't showing it!!!!!) but I am really missing the UK commentators. It adds something to it and watching it over the years you get used to their funny quips and build up (in a weird way) some relationship with them albeit one sided. Ho hum. At least I can still see some of it!

I also miss my Wimbledon-watching buddies... Hi ladies!

There have been two events in the BBC news that have made me cry yesterday and today:

http://news.bbc.co.uk/sport2/hi/football/teams/m/man_utd/8094720.stm

I know Jesus says the poor will always be with you, but surely there should be some regulation about not spending so much on a person who can kick a ball of leather around and maybe giving the money to something more worthwhile. I guess you can't regulate for peoples' hearts though.

http://news.bbc.co.uk/2/hi/africa/8096874.stm

And in particular this bit:

"There is also evidence that many girls are being targeted by child traffickers, Save the Children's country director Rachel Pounds says.

They are thought to have plans to send young Zimbabwean girls to South Africa to feed the appetite of those attending next year's football World Cup finals."

I have just experienced the wonders of a private health care system. 

When my doctor said she was going to refer me to a specialist for some stuff going on, I thought back to the days in the UK where you would wait 4-6 months for an appointment. Then, upon getting an appointment for 3 days later (it was the weekend), I was then referred to get some tests done. Yet again, expecting some delay - a good few weeks at  least even in a private health care world -  I was offered an appointment for the next day!  Sadly I had to turn them down and make one for next week (much to their surprise!) as Tom is away for the week and I have no-one to look after Reubs in the day.

Even though there are some things which are wearing off in their novelty here I really hope that the privilege of having this kind of healthcare doesn't. The NHS in the UK is fantastic  though and although a lot of people moan about it, it is the most wonderful health-for-all system ever. AND it works so fast when you really are very sick. Bring it on here I say.

Today I really am blogging just for me, not because I want to share it for other people to read so forgive me if it's not too coherent and also very long.

Last wednesday was our lifegroup night. There weren't too many of us and we'd wanted to follow up on last Sunday's teaching about destroying idols in our lives. We had a short bit of teaching from Tom, reminding us of what was taught last week, then went individually to a space to be quiet and still before God for about 15 minutes, asking him if there was anything he'd like to bring up, talk with us about, then we came back together to worship. It was a beautiful evening.

In my time, I asked Jesus what he wanted to say and, a little surprisingly to me, he answered straight away talking about how much he loved me, then to look up 1 Corinthians 13:

"If I speak in the tongues of men and of angels, but have not love, I am only a resounding gong or a clanging cymbal. If I have the gift of prophecy and can fathom all mysteries and all knowledge, and if I have a faith that can move mountains, but have not love, I am nothing. If I give all I possess to the poor and surrender my body to the flames, but have not love, I gain nothing.

Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.

Love never fails."

When I read this normally I have read it in terms of me needing love in order to make anything worth anything and of vs 4-7 being something I should strive to be like towards others. Suddenly I was drawn to read it in a different light, as only the Holy Spirit can enable you to do sometimes: where it says 'have not love' suddenly I was drawn to read it as 'don't know how much I (Jesus) love you'; that where it talks about what love is, it moved from being a list of how I should be towards others to being a list of how God's love is for me; that if I achieve so much for the Lord in this life but don't know he loves me then it is all worth nothing. 

Needless to say I cried quite a lot, touched deep inside. Last week was a pretty hard one - coming off the last bit of my medication, PMS and having some weird neurological things going on all at once - I was in a pretty rough space. It lifted me and other little reminders along the way have kept me there (along with the side effects of the withdrawal from the drugs wearing off, PMS going, getting some good sleep and seeing the doctor!). The latest nudge was a song sung this morning which I think I posted about a while back, but will do so again. Today's talk, or rather the piece I was struck by most by it, was about intimate relationship with God and at the end Dan got up and sung the song by John Mark McMillan: Oh how he loves us 

A modern-age lad

Tom often lets Reuben play with his i-phone as there as some really cool applications on it which give him animal noises etc. he has figured out how to move the onto the next picture by dragging his finger across the screen sideways. I was both horrified and amazed to find him in front of the TV, which I was watching briefly, and dragging his finger across it in an attempt to change channel i-phone style! A wonderful, terrifying, very funny moment in the life of the most wonderful little man on earth.

I realised the other day that it is now 6 months since we've been here and so I needed to review the things I found strange when we first arrived to see if they had now become normal. So here is the original list, along with comments:

1. having a button to open my garage with - yeah, well, we now have a car that has a programmable button which does it for you. Top that.

2. all of the cars being absolutely huge - now normal

3. petrol is very cheap ($25 to fill the tank!) - now normal, although it's gone up and is now 35

4. people say 'hihowareyou' in a totally joined on fashion and really REALLY don't mean the how are you bit - so normal I've even started saying it a bit

5. waiters are very, very friendly (Hi, my name is Brian and I'm going to be your waiter for the evening. I'm 27, live on Acorn Street and am a capricorn...) - this still makes me laugh probably too much

6. garbage disposal units - still loving it and still experimenting with what you can dispose of down it. I found out yesterday that it wouldn't take a washing-up cloth

7. having a mail box outside the house, rather than a letter box which the post/mail is posted through your front door through - I still love this and Reuben and I make a daily trip out to pick up the mail

8. being able to put your stamped post in the mail box outside your house so that post man can take it away when they deliver and you don't have to go to the post office - and this

9. people saying hello to you when walking along - I really like this and join in whenever I can

10. cutlery is known as silverware - still odd

11. drive through banks - got over the novelty of this as it's quicker to go into the bank usually

12. winterization of everything - I think this was a tad over the top  to be honest. We're waiting for our sprinkler system to now be summarised

13. weather changing from 32' to 60' in the space of 2 days - this is still the case but now with going from 65 to 100. My body isn't used to it yet

14. having an ice making section of the freezer - now starting to appreciate this as the weather gets hotter

15. not having to clean out tin cans for recycling! - still LOVING the novelty of this. Also that they say if you're not sure about recycling stick it in anyway and they will sort it out for you! Better than them leaving it behind and then sticking a big sticker on your box telling you how bad you've been.

16. no workmen accepting a cup of tea/coffee/water from you whilst on a job at your house - we haven't had many workmen round so this will probably still be a surprise next time

17. the HUGE amount of junk mail that comes - now it is just REALLY annoying

18. the HUGE amount of junk phone calls that come - We have given up answering our phone during most of the daytime, except the time when UK friends seem to call

19. brown paper bags from supermarkets just like in the films - yeah, they're ok, but I have learnt they're not very practical so got over them too. I take my own reusable ones

20. yellow school buses everywhere (I keep expecting to see Otto from the Simpsons driving one) - still like these!

21.  an ice-skating rink in the middle of the city - very film-like - this is still cool

22. seeing the White House and all of the other v. important buildings you've only ever seen in films - and so is this. I'm sure though with a few more trips into DC we'll get more used to it (the White House is so much smaller and less austere though than it is portrayed in the films!)

23. Christmas Tree bases that you can put water in to stop the needles falling off the tree - still loving the practicality of this, although with the size of the tree we got and the subsequently huge base it's not a very practical thing to store during the rest of the year

24. cinemas being open on xmas day for the premieres of new films (you go as a xmas day afternoon activity) - weird still

25. fire hydrants like the ones you see shooting out water on hot summer days in films - normal now

26. buying milk in gallon cartons - normal now, and very handy for us milk drinkers

So, we didn't go to the parade - too crowded. But we did go yesterday and see the blossoms just as they're starting to turn into leaves (well, not the blossoms, but the leaves coming out and the blossoms falling - heck, you know what i mean!). very beautiful. I can see what the fuss is about. We had a fab day though with our friends Dan and Jen and their little boy Jaden, all getting lost in DC together!

We had an amazing time together as a church on Sunday. It being Palm Sunday, they decided to do something a bit different. We started with hanging out together for a bit, then moved into an extended time of worship. This wasn't an ordinary time though. It was started by liturgy, then a reading and explanation of the text where Jesus comes into Jerusalem, then we all got given palm branches and then sung worship songs. It was amazing to have great contextualization and liturgy, remembering what has gone on for thousands of years before us. I don't think I have so sincerely worshipped Jesus for a long time. It made such a difference being reminded of who he is before worshipping him.

We are having a passover celebration on Thursday with some friends. I'm really looking forward again to context being put forward to life. Everything seems to make so much more sense, oddly enough!

My seeds are sprouting!

I have spent some time this week on trying to find some fun places to stay for a week or so when our Uk friends come to visit in the summer. We'd like to go out of the city and into the mountains to escape the humidity and bugs. It's going ok - as long as websites advertising cabins can be believed!

Today i planted my seeds into seed trays: sweetcorn, nastursiums and sunflowers. I am excited to see if they will grow or not. I hope so. I want Reuben to be able to watch them grow and then eat (some of) them!

he has mastered please and we are now moving onto 'more' and 'help'. He's starting to get it. The biggest battle we have at the moment though is with the stairs. The staircase is too wide to fit a stairgate on and so we can't very effectively stop him going up and down, especially as his enthusiasm for doing so has now increased since he has found out a. how to come down alone and b. that he can walk up rather than crawl if he hangs onto the railings. Today I had to follow through on the 'if you go upstairs again I will think you're going up to bed and will have to put you there' threat. it was awful! So hard being a parent. YUK!

This coming Saturday is the cherry blossom parade in Washington DC. I think we're going to try and head over - just to see! Then we'll also go back again next week when there are no crowds to check the blossoms out properly. I am really looking forward to hanging out in DC a bit.

God is doing some good stuff in our church at the moment - bringing it to life with some honesty, confession, healing. Really good stuff.

I am enjoying listening to some of the afternoon plays on radio 4 at the moment where they are dramatising the gospels. They're done really nicely and portray Jesus really excellently. They're on the radio 4 website...

We are trying to teach Reuben how to say please in sign language rather than screaming each time he wants something. It is very tiring and feels like breaking in a horse! He is as stubborn as I am - oh dear. Hopefully he'll get it soon and the ordeal (well this current one anyway) will be over. Poor kid! Poor parents!!

The weather is starting to get a little warmer consistently- this after a week week of snow and very cold to then 75 a few days later. It's no wonder there are so many colds around!

Today is pancake day (picture 2), or should I say, Shrove Tuesday. It's a time to eat pancakes with lemon and sugar with friends, even though they are used to something very different in terms of what a 'pancake' is!

Today was also the day the reptile man came to the Vineyard Childcare centre and Reuben had a tantrum because he couldn't hold each animal when he wanted to, which then meant we had to leave because his wailing, poor chap, was upsetting the animals! It was quite a sad morning for him and a sadder time for me when I realised that this tantrum business is getting to be a habit! How to handle it. Hmmmm... Must read up a bit.

I also went to Pilates for the first time in 3 weeks and it was a bit of a shock to the system. It's amazing and shocking how quickly your body goes out of shape!

Tomorrow I am braving the cold and walking with my dear friend round the park. Some good exercise for the body, soul and mind. 

Today I am enjoying listening to a 'listen again' Agatha Christie mystery on BBC radio 7 online. I love listening to plays on the radio. They are reminiscent of my childhood and cooking cakes whilst listening to plays (on radio 4 though as radio 7 didn't exist then!) on the weekends.

I also met my first 'special agent' today whilst doing a reference for a friend who wants to work in government. He showed me his badge and everything - very exciting!

Today I am loving: Reuben's absolute love of sticks and tapping (he's too little to properly bash yet) things with them. He is such a little boy!

Two things on my mind today:

1. What is the difference between 'evaporated cane juice' and regular sugar? (seriously)

2. I am SO excited that (for some reason) it is 70 degrees outside and I have hung washing up outside, albeit on a clothes rack thing, for the 1st time this year and since being here. It is hidden from view (so as to not upset the neighbourhood association, and blowing happily in the wind. I am very happy.

PS Reuben is totally fine today!

The joys of being a mum...

Today Reuben has a tummy bug (following on from the one he had over the weekend driving 12 hours to New Hampshire and on the way home too). 

This morning he was sick all over the entire contents of a basket of clean laundry (that I had just pulled out of the drier) which I had emptied all over the floor to quickly find him some new clothes as he had just pooed all over his other ones.

Ho hum...

Two exciting things in the world of Reuben:

1. his new best playmate and toy is Gary. Gary is a red-skinned little potato that Tom has drawn a face on and which Reuben appears to be very attached to (he carries it round in his hand or my ladle). He calls is something which sounds like 'Gary', hence the name we have given to it and to which Reuben now responds ("Reuben, where's Gary?" - and he goes and finds it). Unbelievably cute and VERY funny

2. We bought him his first pair of proper shoes (following the soggy cold feet snow incident). A new era begins. He likes them and stomped like a monster for a while whilst getting used to them but is now back to normal).

Pictures to follow when we get them uploaded...

IT SNOWED!!!!!!!

I am a happy lady today. I got Reuben up and out as soon as I could and, with him looking rather like the marshmallow man from Ghostbusters, we ventured into the snow. It's so beautiful, so so beautiful! He played for a while and then got a bit cold (we haven't got mittens that fit him yet, nor any proper outdoor shoes - shopping trip needed I think, especially as we're off to New Hampshire in a couple of weeks time where there is feet of snow!) so went in. I went for a short walk and just was in snow heaven. I think the fact that we are surrounded too by so many big trees really makes it even more magical.

Today is like a perfect winter day for me: snow outside, warm inside, doing some baking so the house smells good, a friend coming round so the kids could play together, a really chilled out fun time playing with Reubs by myself and now he's in bed so I will do some chores, bake some cookies and do some reading and praying.

I love today!

I am currently watching Bridget Jones on tv. An oldie but still an absolute classic. It's nice to see some Brit comedy! The funniest bit is how the Americans have scrubbed all of the swear words out, which normally make it very funny and very Bridget Jones, and replaced the 'F' word with 'frig'...

A relatively un-eventful week this week, but nice nonetheless:

Reuben was suffering some of the delayed effects of the vaccinations he had and was a bit ill for a few days. It was sad for him but meant that I got lots of cuddles from a normally go-get-'em beautiful kid. It was very nice!

I spent some time with Jesus thinking about life and where I've come from and was reminded of a verse in 2 Corinthians where Paul talks about how when he is weak then he is most strong as Jesus can be so much stronger through him. I don't have to be perfect! I can fail! Lord let it sink into my heart, not just my head.

We saw some new friends for dinner on Sunday and had a great time with them, getting to know them a bit more and eating lots of chicken wings.

Tom has headed off for a youth conference to let them know about Via, to get them interested in discipleship and to hang out with some friends. 

I woke up today and it was -13 outside. That's very cold. Brrrrrr! I want to know where the snow is though. It's very unfair that so many other places have had some but not us.

Tuesday is the presidential inauguration. I'm very excited to be here for such a momentous day and fully plan on relishing it on the TV throughout the day. There is SO much Obama merchandise available. Tom and I were thinking of collecting the tackiest things we could find. I'll see what we can do. At the mo most people are more excited about the Ravens (Baltimore's american football team) game on Sunday in the Superbowl playoffs (another thing I am looking forward to - the final on 1 Feb. It's nice to be able to watch it at a decent hour instead of it being ridiculously late at night).

This afternoon I am taking Reuben to a mums and kids french group to see if we can a. start to practise french and b. meet some other non-church people. I have no idea what it'll be like but anything's worth a go eh!?

Just a couple of other things to add aside from that: 

- Reuben got his 6 1-year old's jabs this week and we experienced the benefits of being some of the very privileged people who have health care here (it was amazing but afterwards made me reflect on how lots don't get it and just get sick or run up immense un-payable bills and thankful that we haven't had any serious illnesses yet. Check out this from a BBC guy today...).

- The book I'm reading is still wowing me - especially the chapter on Jesus and american politics and his time in Iraq. Amazing. Tom and I cried in the kitchen together.

- Tom taught our friend Nazim how to cook spaghetti carbonara last night and it was great

- I am inspired by some beautiful women in our community to keep working through all of my crappy issues

- Reuben, Tom and I danced around the living room this morning worshipping to the Great Big God kids worship CD. It was so much fun. It made me think of our friends in Bristol - the Davis' - who did the same with their girls. We love them for their example!

I have been finally feeling a bit homesick for the first time since we arrived. I have been expecting it to hit at some point and surprised that it hasn't come sooner! 

I am missing hanging out with some friends in Bristol; I am missing being able to walk down the Gloucester Road and browse in cool shops; I am missing Joe's bakery and the bread therein; I am missing bumping into people as I walk around.

But I am feeling weirdly ok. I know that we're here and here is the right place and it gives a strange but wonderful sense of peace. I know that I will make friends to the same depth as I have in Bristol. I know that I can find bread if I need to. I know that God has us in a great place, with great people and that things take time.

The thing that sparked it off: the US government's reaction  to the Israeli attacks on Gaza. It made me feel very sad to be here and not be able to be officially represented or be able to have any influence in any way whereas in the UK at least I could write to someone or vote differently. Maybe there is something I could do here, I just haven't found it yet. I'm a legal alien, feeling very alien, but at home in my new body...

PS I am reading currently a book called Irresistable Revolution by Shane Claiborne. It's very interesting and captures a lot of what I feel about how life should be lived. My question for myself is why am I not therefore doing it. God, what form can Tom and I begin to put this into practise?

We took down our Christmas tree yesterday. I felt quite sad about it - I always feel a bit bad about wasting such a beautiful tree. I think we will try and get it mulched so at least it can carry on doing some good. But it has allowed me to move a plant so that my new pin board can go up in the kitchen and I can at last begin to be a bit more organised!

We have to take our Maryland State driving licenses soon. This isn't as straight forward as you'd think. We have to either complete a 3-hour drug and alcohol seminar or do the facts and some short tests online (which we are doing. much easier.), and then a written test related to this. Then we have to do a highway code test, a sight test and then finally the driving bit. All quite annoying. I think Tom will appreciate getting his license so that he doesn't get rejected from bars when id'd(!)  as they don't take UK driving licenses as proof of age.

Other things to remember as odd:

- priorities at crossroads are given to the person who arrived there first, not necessarily the person to the right/left. this took some getting used to!

- walking 1o minutes to the local shops isn't normal

- the doctor's surgery being like going into a hospital consultants' gathering: pediatricians, gynaecologists, family practice, geriatrics, mammograms, sleep specialists, rheumatologists etc etc all in one building and available to see when you want to! Very odd...