So this morning one of the daffodils in our garden has come out. imp so excited. maybe that means an end to yucky darkness and grey? I hope so.

I have been doing quite a lot of thinking recently (is that a good thing?!), mainly about sung worship and also about what the gospel is. The former was prompted after I sobbed my way through our Sunday worship time, feeling fully grieved about the lack of praise songs and the lack of communal 'we' songs. I find it really hard to sing songs that are so focussed on me and my needs when God has already done all of the work. I find that sometimes we're so introspective we forget that God has done so much and that we need to step into it rather than beg him to do more all the time (I'm not against intimacy with God on a one-to-one basis, so don't get me wrong. If you look through some words of some worship songs though you might get to see what i mean).

ANYWAY, keeping that in mind, Andrew was reading me something at work out of a book he's studying (I think he's put it on his weblog on the bristolvineyard website) about what the gospel is really about; that we don't get or preach the big enough picture. It really reminded me of what Todd Hunter spoke about at a conference last year. he talked about God's bigger story and that his plan is for redemption of the world (creation etc) and of his kingdom. So often our starting point is OUR fall and OUR need for forgiveness and restoration with God (ask people who know God what they think the gospel is and you might get some idea). This is all part of his plan, but we need to step back one step further to see the bigger picture.

With this in mind I started to think about my relationship with God and how this then fitted into his bigger picture. Instead of the whole of his purpose and plan being ME maybe it was therefore way bigger. I then felt like a bit of a tiny ant which could easily be trodden upon at any instant with not much consequence for the rest of humanity (except that maybe some people would be sad). But then reading through the bible and looking to see what Jesus was like and what he said, I know that God does love me and care about me. SO then I was overcome by rather a large wave of thankfulness and gratitude that such an almighty God could possible care for me and fit me into this HUGE plan that he has.

Which then brings me back to worship songs. With this humbled attitude in mind I figured that maybe I could sing some of these songs (although probably not the ones which I really don't see as being true to what the bible says or begging for God to do what he's already done). Quite a nice realisation! I wonder why I haven't got it all this time. I think instinctively my spirit knew it but my head didn't. I wonder if everybody else has already got it (which is why they don't mind singing songs like that) before me?!

On another note, I made it out to see the girls working round the corner from my house. It was a good time. Although I only chatted to one lovely woman for a short time ( a 'client' came along. Hmmm) I felt like I had made a difference and that she'd remember me for when I go back again. The thing is with stuff like this, once you start it's so hard to stop. When you KNOW that 1 minute walk from your house there are girls freezing themselves to death and selling themselves because they don't think they have any other way, there's no way you can ignore it. Or at least I hope there wouldn't be any way...

PS don't know if this makes much sense but i didn't intend to offend if it's made you think i did.

Last night I went out on the night van for the first time in a few months. The van, belonging to an organisation in Bristol that deals exclusively in this domain, drives round the streets and gives out food and condoms to the working girls. It also has advice on housing, drugs, etc. I do have quite a few issues with the whole thing which I won't go into now, but wanted to say that last night was a good night.

We went out in the car rather than van as there weren't enough of us for the van (you need 3). Going out in the car is better sometimes. It feels less 'official' and I feel that you get to chat to the girls on a more casual basis rather than formal one. This means I don't feel like I’m in a 'righteous and morally good place' compared to them like I do sometimes in the van where they have to exit their world, which is 'seedy and unpleasant', to get in the van and come into our world, which is 'clean and how life should be’.

I met a girl last night who had come out for the first time. A friend of hers, who normally works the streets, had brought her out. She was nervous and wasn’t sure if she was going to do anything. It broke my heart meeting her, yet I also felt a strange glimmer of hope for her. It felt like it wasn’t too late for her yet. I don’t know what happened after we left, but I prayed. That has to be the first step, and the only other thing I could have done at the time.

Now that I met the girls last night and know their names, I think I may go and see them again today – it’s a good opening for me. They only work 1 minute from my home front doorstep and i have postponed for long enough!

Over the weekend Tom and I went to a leaders thing at a place called Glenfall house. Bill was doing some teaching on vision there which was awesome. So many times i've heard the old Nehemiah teaching about having to have a vision and that you have to repeat it heaps, but no-one has ever told me how you take the random passioante feelings you have inside but find hard to articulate into something which is pictured in your mind and written down in words. How cool is that! God gave Tom and i some stuff which we're now mulling over - but he gave us both seperately pretty much the same thing. It was so obviously meant to be!

I did my talk on Sunday and i think it went ok. I like talking like that. It feels good - maybe that's part of my gifting? Lots of people said they got some good stuff out of it and everybody was praying in groups at the end and God-stuff seemed to be happening which was good. God is very gracious to me!

We saw a pigeon and a blackbird on the birdtable too. That was really exciting. I think they must all come in the daytime when we're out at work as he seeds and bread keep disappearing!

So, last night i went Salsa dancing with some other wives/girlfriends who had been widowed by Tom's firm's busyness. It was very good fun and i totally intend to do some more. For someone who doesn't generally have the greatest sense of rhythm i did pretty well! My butt muscles are pretty achey today. So girls, if you're looking for a way to tone the cheeks, salsa is the way forward i reckon!

This weekend we are off to Glenfall House with a bunch of other people from BV. Hopefully it will provide a bit of space and repose for us. It's been a pretty tiring week and i haven't really seen Tom much. I guess it's good to make us make the most of the few minutes we do get together each day. It certainly increases the dseire to see him and, if it's at all possible, the happiness i do have when i do see him!! How great is that - i love being married.

Today i was talking with God about our relationship (mine and his) and about how it's changing since being married. It's strange to think he ordaned marriage with the full knowledge that it would change relationships with him. I suppose in a way therefore it means that a changed relationship can't be a bad one, just a different one. I'm still finding it quite tricky sometimes though, but i don't think i would change it for the world. It's funny to feel something changing but knowing that the outcome will still be good. I think that that's the one thing they didn't tell us an dprepare us for on the marriage course we did before we got married, yet having talked to qute a few married people they all seem to have experienced it. I think i'll try and make sure i warn people too - then it won't come as such a shock.

Life is busy and i haven't had time to blog. I don't like that. Ho Hum.
BUT two good things happened yesterday:
1. a bird landed on Tom's birdtable for the first time - a thrush apparently. It was a very moving moment and we danced around the kitchen excitedly
2. On the way to work i walked up the big hill beside the queues of traffic and above all the engine noises i could still hear the bird singing in the allotments beside the road. It reminded me that God's voice and His creation, witnessing to Him can always be heard above anything man has created to drown it out.
It was quite a profound and praise-inspiring moment.

So, the car has got a leaking front shock absorber. Not great. I am currently under negotiations with the garage as to whether or not they are going to fix it for free or not. most frustrating.

On a different note, i have recently been relidtening to some John Wimber tapes again. His testimony one is fantastic. Even though i'd heard it all before at least 4 times, it seemed brand fresh new and stirred up something in my spirit that hasn't been very active for qute a while. I've also, along with a bunch of other people in the church, started to read Power Evangelism, also by Wimber. It's so good to feel challenged and inspired about the Kingdom. It's only when you realise what you're missing that you start to realise how numb you've gotten to it all.

It's getting harder and harder to get up in the mornings now that i've started working full time. It's such a stretch working those few extra days!!

A quick little lunctime blog.
Managed to get my outline done for my talk, which is good. Once i've done that normally it's a piece of cake as all i have to do is fill in the gaps. Groms started to cover some of it on Sunday and i was sitting in my seat panicking that he was going to ruin it all. Thankfully it can serve as a sort of intro to what i'm going to say.

Today we have had to put our car into the garage. I hate cars and buying new ones. They always seem to be more hassle than they're worth. We only got it a month ago and already it's got something wrong with it. GGGRrrrrrrrr... Oh well.

Tom built a bird table over the weekend. It turned out very well i think and now we wait in anticipation for the first birds to come along. It's fun doing stuff like that : ) It's quite funny how easy it is to fall into the stereotyped roles of man with wood and saw and woman in kitchen cooking. It just so turns out though that we both like doing those respective things. I wonder if that's just the way things go or if it really is a bit inbuilt for the man to take care and build and the woman to look after her man and cook for him.