Well, after being wonderfully calm on Sunday and Monday, a marathon of endurance then ensued when my waters broke on Monday night and Reuben Jack Arthur Hope was born at 12.46pm on Tuesday. It was all round an incredible, traumatic, scary, painful, and yet truly wonderful experience. Tom's put some pictures on his blog and flicker accounts so you can check them out there rather than me repeating them all here.

Needless to say I am in love!

It must be stated for the record and so that I don't forget: during labour there was a moment when I felt the Lord so clearly in the delivery room, with His peace and His assurance that he really did know what it was like, with a profound new depth of understanding of the humility of the Creator of the Universe to pass through the birth canal in such messiness and noise and pain as a baby. Truly a life-changing moment for me.  The Christmas story seems suddenly more poignant for me, for us, this year as we relate much more now to what it all was like. Unto us a son is also born. Not the saviour of the world, but a glimpse of an aspect of Him...

A state of peaceful calm, encapsulated by psalm 131:

My heart is not proud, LORD, 
       my eyes are not haughty; 
       I do not concern myself with great matters 
       or things too wonderful for me.

But I have calmed myself 
       and quieted my ambitions. 
       I am like a weaned child with its mother; 
       like a weaned child I am content.

Nicola Jane, put your hope in the LORD both now and forevermore.

on trying to be a woman of faith

father it feels very hard sometimes to trust you: that you're real, that you're acting, alive, here, now, in me around me.

but I want to. 

I want to live life in a way that is good for us: beneficial for me in lack of stress, a good witness for you, and a means by which the times you have given me here on earth are inextricably linked, joined, merged into you and loving you and being loved by you.

please help me to become, carry on with, grow deeper into being a child who lives like this: of not being overwrought with fear and lack of trust and of not being able to see how on earth you're going to sort out this next thing; of being someone worthy of being written into the testimony of the great cloud of witnesses; of loving you with all my might and letting your returning love banish fear, uncertainty and anxiety from my being.

a high call some might say but i reckon it's do-able - with your help. so please help me.

thanks x

Today I was reading Matthew 18 and found myself wondering about the part where Jesus talks about what to do when there is an issue between two people and one has sinned against the other: you go to them yourself to see if they'll repent, then take 2 others if they won't,  then take it before the church. Then if they are still unwilling to say sorry you should treat them in the same way you would do a gentile or a tax collector. 

I know historically, and undoubtedly correctly, this is interpreted as needing to treat them as an outcast, a breaking of the fellowship between you. The thing that came into my mind today though was how Jesus is the one who comes for the outcast and lost and rejected and spent his time when he was on earth hanging out with prostitutes and tax collectors and sinners and that the proceeding passage is about the shepherd, aka the Father, searching for the 1 lost sheep. I think there are probably lots of avenues I could take this down but I think I will content myself currently with the thought that Jesus is a mystery! I like how we will never really know what he was on about until we get to meet him face to face, the only sad thing is that we end up arguing so much and hurting so many people in the not knowing.

(I quite like the thought of actually maybe Jesus was being funny - that in casting them out (and protecting the body etc etc) they are then the very ones that we need to go searching for)

Pregnancy Insomnia

I have given up trying to be asleep for a little while. i have found that when I wake up, normally for some pregnancy-related thing and can't get back to sleep straight away I can either lay in bed for a few hours and get stressed about not being asleep, or I can get up and have a nice warm drink and read a book, or in today's case, enter lots of competitions online to win things and read the news. Pretty sad eh! But I guess it may get me in good stead for when the baby arrives and I have to be up at all hours. I hope so anyhow.

In life otherwise nothing much going on except sleeping in the afternoons a bit, seeing a lovely friend from Sweden who's over, going for autumnal walks and attempting to get Christmas presents sorted out now so that I don't have to think about them at all later on. In fact, I may just start writing the cards now - yet another good way to pass the middle-of-the-night awakeness...!!

So in a moment of utter boredom (on my part) the other day Tom insisted that I watch a little bit of the promo video thing online for the iPhone. He has been pretty obsessed recently and I have thus far spurned all attempts to interact with me on the hypothetical notion of him purchasing one. This hasn't really changed much, BUT whilst watching the promo I was absolutely blown away by the technology of the phone. It really is, and this from a non-gadget (except maybe ones for the kitchen) person, quite an  amazing piece of equipment. So I can now understand a little more of why he wants one. I don't think it's going to happen though!!!

On a different note, I had fun at our Sunday gathering yesterday, seeing God being very real and active with people, of him reminding me of who I am and of working alongside Him to bring some of his kingdom into hurting peoples' lives. It's what, if I could live my ideal life, I would spend every minute doing I think.

I have just finished reading a book which I really enjoyed. It is called 'Two Babushkas: How my grandmothers survived Hitler's war and Stalin's peace', by Masha Gessen.  It's basically as the title might suggest: a history, written as narrative, of two Jewish women who lived in Russia through the 2nd world war and then through the Communist regime under Stalin, with a bit at the end of their lives from his death until the present day. For anyone who likes history and likes reading it as prose it's a good one!

On a slightly different note I am finding life to be a bit strange this week. I have lots of time on my hands and have a few things to do and process and plan, but am generally too tired to do very much. It feels quite frustrating, like I'd like to muster up the energy to go and see friends in the evenings but can't quite bring myself to do it as I know that I'll be falling asleep by 9pm. It's good to have so much time with my lovely husband (who relishes introvert time and me not arranging our usual frantic social life!!) but I feel extremely anti-social with regards the wider world! So for any friends out there who are reading this, I am still alive and we do still love you! Please be patient, or drag us out early!!

Today on the BBC news website there is a link to a really beautiful display of nature. It's one of my favourites of the season generally and one that I can easily spend very much time watching. As it's not a direct link, have a look under 'Starlings' spectacular autumn display' on teh right hand column of the page.

Today I was having a lie-down after lunch (oh the luxuries of being pregnant - if only everything didn't ache so much as to necessitate it!) and was reminded of this mini-sermon by Dr SM Lockridge.

I did in fact think it was another one where the speaker goes on to list how Jesus is represented in each book of the bible, but remembered that I had heard it before anyway and it was a nice refreshing thing to listen to. It's wonderfully pentecostal and not at all my usual style but still sends shivers up my spine! Worth a listen!

I was going to blog about last night's halloween events, but my lovely husband has got there first. Needless to say, it was very amusing!

So, on a recent trip to see some of Tom's family in Edinburgh I discovered a way of helping me through the what can only be described as miseries of late pregnancy: Calvin and Hobbes. 

Having been a great fan for many a year imagine my happiness when  I discovered that Tom had a stash of C&H books stored in the family flat in Edinburgh. So we transported them back home and I have laughed my way, rather hugely and loudly to myself, through the last week. It has been a thoroughly enjoyable experience, making the aching hips, lack of sleep, kicks in my ribs from a potential world-class judo champion and generally feeling like a whale much more bearable!

Today I am feeling very lethargic. It is, I think, due to a combination of the weather being cold, grey and dreary, of being super tired after driving with Tom to Edinburgh and back in 2 days and of there being only 5.5 weeks left until I am meant to be giving birth. All in all a day to stay in bed!

Sadly there are lots of things to do and my over-sensitive sense of duty leads me from my warm, cosy bed to tidy up, put some clothes away and get dinner ready. Boo. Sometimes I wish I could just be a total, non-caring slob!!!

On being a transparent freak of nature..

Today I am quite tired from being uncomfortable when trying to sleep, the baby doing circus-like acrobatics all night and then me waking up hungry, trying to go back to sleep and then finally succumbing to the need and going to get some cereal (see point 1 under excited by). Tom claims to be even more so due to my pregnancy-worsened snoring which has developed into something resembling a low-flying aircraft from the way it was described this morning! I think it's to the spare room with him!

I also have a gazillion thoughts to process, which means that this has now been re-written 3 times. Too much going on inside my head! Here's a condensed summarised  version...

Excited by:

1. my re-found love of Special K red berries cereal - bought haphazardly because it was on special offer and now making a welcome return to regular purchasing.

2. our housegroup: last night a select, very special few went out to the train station in the city centre to give out free cups of tea and coffee to taxi drivers (I stayed in due to knackeredness). they had a great time and met the people who God gave them pictures of beforehand and chatted with them. Most of the taxi drivers around last night seemed to be muslim believers and cool conversations about God were had. So good.

3. autumn freshness and crunchy leaves to walk through

4. being on maternity leave

Challenged by:

1. the notion once again of God's utter reality, that although theologically he is with us, that he actually REALLY IS WITH US, here, right now, interacting, challenging, loving, changing. really. here.now. ask him and i'm sure he'll let you know!

2. the subsequent consequences in my life of this being reality.

3. a talk by Rob Bell that I just listened to about being who God made us to be, even if that means challenging the norm and pushing for what other people might not want and being truly authentic, transparent and the freak of nature God made us each individually to be. My favourite phrase of his talk was 'are you smoking what you're selling?'

I like that phrase. How can we tell possibly conceive of telling people of a loving God when we don't know we're loved; or a healing God when we've never let ourselves be exposed to his healing; or a God of grace and mercy when we beat ourselves up; or a God of Life when we aren't free? Clearly everything is a process and we're never going to have it all totally figured, but we can at least be on the road. 

So an exciting and challenging day of thinking and living and interacting ahead. I'm off to go swimming - and it's only 11am!!

For those of you who know me a little bit you will know that I am a big fan of the 'old school' vineyard worship songs. I re-found this one a couple of days ago and it feels like it's my song of the moment. This is the God who I know and love:

Father I come to you, lifting up my hands

In the name of Jesus, by your grace I stand

Just because you love me and I love your Son

I know your favour, unending love

I receive your favour, your unending love

not because I've earned it, not for what I've done

Just because you love me and I love your son

I know your favour, unending love

It's the presence of your kingdom

as your glory fills this place

and I see how much you love me as I look into your face

nothing could be better, there's nothing I would trade

for your favour, unending love.

How could a God like that not be someone to fall in love with and to give a life to?

Now all I need to do is try to learn the guitar chords for it and I'm away!!

Last night, as I attempted to extract myself from my bed to get something I'd forgotten, I realised that I couldn't actually get up properly anymore and that I had to kind of 'roll' myself into a sitting up position in order to effectively get out without falling over or injuring myself.

My lovely husband was in hysterics and said I looked very much like a weeble...

Hmmm. The joys of pregnancy are upon me. ha. ha.

Today a work colleague showed me some photos of her trip last weekend to Switzerland where she is getting married in January. Alas, although they were lovely and I am so excited for her, it has also stirred the annual misery of being stuck in England and a yearning to live in the alps again. It's been 10 years now since I left (!!!!!) and every year it's the same. They do something to you the mountains, get in your blood. It's not even the skiiing/snowboarding, it's just being there. Darn it!!

Today there is a definite 'nip' in the air. Autumn has arrived. It seems a bit of a shock to the system, having not really had a summer and only recently there having been a bit of warmth and sunshine. It seems too early. BUT, in the great veg shop around the corner the autumn english apples are arriving (red devils being a new favourite!), along with celery and root vegetables. It's time to start making stews and roasting things more. I am happy. Times in kitchen are going to be fun for me in concocting!

It also means that I can go for brisk walks in the park and enjoy coming back inside, having had the nice sensation of your face going a bit numb, or wearing scarves and hats and walking through nice crunchy brown leaves.

It's all great!

There is a website that some friends of mine have set-up: it's a search engine (running through yahoo I think) which, when you search through it, it automatically enters you into a prize competition! It's quite a cool idea and by you signing up for it (they don't make you have any emails or anything) they enter me into the draw as well - and I love winning things!

SO...
If you follow this link it all gets underway:

http://www.wabbadabba.com/join.aspx?friend=Y8UE1N8X219

cheers!

today our new broadband service started at home and i am enjoying the flexibility of being able to wander round the house and use the computer wherever i want to. what a treat!

I listened to the golden hour again today and although the music wasn't as good as yesterday I did manage to guess the year correctly today (2001) and it brought back some happy memories of life-gone-by and made me think of some friends I haven't been in touch with for a while. maybe some emailing is called for...

(and no, Tom, I didn't put my leg warmers on yesterday, BUT i did jiggle around in the bed and did some of the cool foot shapes form the beginning sequence of the film whilst lying in my sick bed! Maybe today will be a day for wandering up to the video store and renting the film out! Just the ticket for when you're feeling sick and it's rainy outside.)

Today I am not feeling very well so have stayed in bed - just a head cold and sore throat but enough to make you feel grotty.

BUT on the upside of this grotty-ness, it meant that I go to listen to the 'golden hour' on radio one which they have reinstated for a short period to mark their 40th anniversary. Today I got the delights of Prince 'When doves cry', the theme song from Footlooose, Ray parker Jnr "Ghostbusters' and many others. I was loving it. There is a quiz attached in that you had to try guess the year they are playing music from - I had no idea but found my self knowing all of the words to the songs and being transported back to happy childhood times. Then they announced it as being from 1984!!! Man i am getting old. Admittedly I was only 1o so either have a good memory or came a cross the songs a bit later on, but still - 23 years ago!!

This has been a week of family visiting: my mum for a few days over the weekend and for Tom's birthday and then Today my dad and his wife came for a night to drop off a shed that my dad has made for our alotment. what an amazing achievement! Very impressive.

Other than that life is ticking on by. Today I got blown away by Simeon's words in the first few chapters of Luke. No idea why. It just strikes me that my Jesus is amazing and singular and I love him very much.

Life is good.

Today I went to see the midwife and found out that I have o- blood. I am a rare breed...!! Sadly this means I have to have some injections which are never nice but good if I don't become alergic to my baby!
I also have horrible backache so if there are any praying people out there if you could pray that it wouldn't hurt and that I could sleep really well that'd be lovely.
Thanks!!

Why I love the Orpheus...
Last night Tom and I went to the Orpheus cinema in Bristol. It was a wonderful step back in time to when I was a kid and the cinemas were small and a bit cronky but wondeful. On entering, you paid a lady who wrote down figures in her ledger, you could buy popcorn and crinks in normal sizes (sadly no lady with a tray round her neck selling things by torchlight - muist ahve been her night off!), then you handed your old fashioned ticket (from a roll, not a machine) to the man on the door who ripped them in half (no perforations) and in we went to the screen (1 of 3) and were given 100 seats to choose from. It was GREAT! The pictures started rolling (you call almost hear them whir!) and shortly, after a few ads, there was an intermission when the lights came up for a few minutes and then the film started. The atmosphere was cosy and felt quite community-like.
When the film ended I made up my mind to try and go there as muich as possible from now on.
AND it's way cheaper too!

Tom and I have just got back from a rather wet weekend taking the Via team on their last retreat together. You can read about it here.

My favourite bit over the weekend was being on the beach with Tom: exploring rock pools (we didn't find much but Tom gave himself an icy bath in one (we forgot our towels) and I enjoyed sitting in the sun whilst he did it!); watching the waves; praying that we would know the love of God like the relentlessness of the tides; finding green sea glass - produced by that well known sea creature... A truly wonderful time with my man. (Andrea also made me laugh an inordinate amount...!)

The course finishes next Sunday and so does the leading of it by Tom and I. It's not going to run in the autumn due to both lack of applications and a 'coincidental' desire in us to start pushing into trying to connect more with our local community and exploring what God has for us in terms of next steps (clearly next steps are always the same steps of making disciples in all contexts, but it's the specific focus on context we're looking at exploring).

Along with it comes a need for change in job for Tom: the course doesn't run, he doesn't have a job! So we're praying and looking and asking around about this. It does give us some time to rest a bit though and I am certainly looking forward to having our house back to urselves again for a while. No longer will I have to spend time searching for scissors which have been put back in a different place, and I will have a big cupboard free again. (Little things for...)

It feels strange: exciting but also sad. It's odd when your lives for the past 3.5 years have totally revolved around designing, building, running, altering, delivering a course which takes up most of your time, energy etc, not just 9-5. Then suddenly it stops. Just done. HOWEVER, it also feels super-exciting: to be exploring, expanding, putting what we've learnt into practise in different areas.

Change is good and hard all at once.

Today it is raining lots, which is fantastic for our alotment which has been dry as a rock. I am also enjoying it as I have a lot to do around the house before my lovely husband comes back tomorrow from his 2-weeks-without-me stint in Ukraine with the Via team and I am not at all tempted to shirk off and sleep in the sun! It has been a long, quite sleepless two weeks for me and I am very very much looking forward to seeing him again.

I have done some good things whilst he's been away though: seen lots of friends for dinner, done art with my wonderful neighbours, watched dvds and had many many early nights. I also got to spend some nice time with God each morning which I don't normally have time for, but since i hvaen't been sleeping I had got up early and managed to worship a bit before work. It made such a great difference in my attitude towards a day without Tom! I am also learning again (and again and again) how much I am controlled by fear of things happening. Very unhealthy, but thankfully God won't let me stay like that and keeps bringing it up, either through discontent with how my heart is feeling, or through friends saying poignant things which bring out my true feelings, or simply him speaking to me. He's a very good God.

I had a niced conversaiton with my dad the other day who seemed much lighter and less burdened with life than he has been recently. It made me happy.

Work is getting really busy and from next week, although I have already been doing some extra days I will be working full time for 4-5 weeks. Boo! But it does mean that I get to take it off in lieu later on, so I can then spend the sumemr sleeping in the sun!

I also had some great news that a friend of mine from a long time ago and her family are moving to Bristol to radically follow the calling they think God's given them. I am so excited on 2 counts: 1. that they really have given up everything in pursuit of God and 2. that I will get to see them all the time, rather than once or twice a year! Great news!

That's it for now. More cleaning to do!

This weekend we are in Manchester visiting Tom's brother & his wife and our two lovely nieces, one of whom is 9 weeks old. It's a lovely break from being in Bristol and being away makes me realise how many habits i've fallen in to and out of. It's a good jolt to the system to wake up again and not let routines lead me into complacency anymore.

I saw something funny the other day, another little commentary on quirky life-things and I can't for the life of me remember what it was. Annoying as I remember at the time thinking that I should bllog about it. I guess older-age brings with it loss of memory, which can be inconvenient at times (and convenient at others!).

Next week Tom and I, along with the rest of my dad's side of the family are off to the south of France for my dad's 60th birthday. I am very much looking forward to speaking French, being warm and generally chilling out, let alone being able to eat some lovely food! Good, although busy, times.

Today I was shopping in the local supermarket and I had a bit of a shock - I saw a vicar (purple-shirt-and-dog-collar-wearing) buying loads of booze: wine, vodka and the such. I'm still trying to figure out why I had a shock - that the stereotype in my head of what vicars should be like was offended, or that in fact I had a different stereotytpe and it was confirmed as true. Both of which could make me look again.
Interesting to self-examine in the middle of a supermarket!

Today I finished reading an amazing book called ‘My name is Asher Lev’, by Chaim Potok. It’s a beautiful insight into the world of the Jewish people, their customs, struggles, views. Actually I have read a few of his books now and where some of them repeat the same things I find that I am more and more drawn into the aspect of ritual that observant Jews live by.

I was sitting in my kitchen this morning, bathed in sunlight and warmth, (potentially very misleading warmth as it was like the artic yesterday), reflecting on the notion of ritualistic Sabbath. I don’t know much about what observant jews actually do on Sabbath aside probably from what I’ve read, but one part of the book talks about a time where the son and father are disagreeing over an issue and the father tells the son not to disrupt his Sabbath or to defile the Sabbath table. I was very struck by the holiness of a day/extended period of time in a day of remembering, in a ritualistic fashion, what God has done, who he is, what he is doing now and that that was to be preserved against interruptions which could be saved for another time. I reflected on how little time we have as families, communities, of ‘holy’ uninterrupted time outside of a Sunday morning service, which for me is rarely peaceful and reflective, when the focus really is solely on God, a celebration of God. I thought how nice it would be to try and incorporate some of this into the life I lead with Tom. I may investigate it further.

Chaim Potok is a very interesting person. It’d be well worth the time to read some of what he has written.

On another totally different thread, I have been meaning to write for sometime about the way in which people everywhere are creating their own theme tunes for life. If you walk down any street you will doubtless hear music being played, whether out of a phone, an i-pod, or some other clever device, or you will see a group of people walking together, talking, but then notice that half of them have their earphones in, listening to music as they walk as well. And I began asking myself why people had started to feel the need to have music on all the time. Please understand that I love music, am not against music in any way. It’s just this particular way of listening to it that has begun to strike me.

It made me think of films and how there are very few silent films, by which I mean to which there is no soundtrack. Castaway is one I do remember. Soundtracks depth to the pictures we watch and heighten the senses. It made me think of something Tom and I have talked about in people needing drama in their lives to make them feel alive and how music with you as you walk, talk, brush your hair, can make you feel more alive, more caught up in the moment, than it would normally do.

It made me feel sad that life isn’t enough as it is. Because I think I have always been very much caught up in the drama of the world and have been made to feel alive by the very fact that God has made me alive, that I can spend hours wondering over the make-up of a flower in my garden, or pondering over the little people I know and the great way they fling themselves at life, no holds barred, or marvelling over how my husband can love me so intensely when I am an emotional rat-bag.

When there is so much longing for life to have greater depth and meaning and excitement and drama, surely it is time those who know him helped people to encounter the One who created it all in the first place and gives true meaning to everything. It sounds corny, but I have a feeling it may be true.

There are upsides of having D&V! Oh yes. Tom and I are currently doing the Lent Challenge, whereby we live off the minimum wage for the period of lent and experience what it is like to have less and then get to give away all the cash we've saved at the end of it. SO, when we didn't eat last week due to being ill, we saved some money which we could then put towards treats which we couldn't otherwise afford - like going to the theatre this staruday night with some cheap tickets which come through a work social club!! Great news!

The last few weeks have been packed with many varying excitements, stresses, watching sad life-things in other people. but the best thing was getting up and about on Saturday after having spent a week in bed with D&V. Tom and I made the most of a gloriously sunny day and gardened in our little patch out the back, chopped down a big spiky bush and tidied up. It was so good to be outside again!
The second best thing was being able, following my ankle operation, to finally walk to work today. It was a bit achy in teh ankle region and my leg muscles are very unsued to working, but it was GREAT to be free!!
I have been thinking about lots of things recently: how to live a life free of worry, how to make the most of where I am, how to be a better friend, wife, helper, how to hold on to Jesus with all that I am, every minute of the day. A slow dawning is coming over me that the latter is crucial to grasp as it seems that when I don't, things very clearly fall apart around me! I guess when you have a big enough vision for something it causes you to take any action possible to ensure it happens. that it what i am working on at the moment. Jesus, open my eyes!!
I am talking at church on Sunday about Jesus as the Good Shepherd. There's so much I could say, the hard part is knowing what is most helpful to say and what would he have me say to our people at this time. Some work is to be done on it on Thursday - the getting down into a coherant form all of the thoughts i've been thinking and mulling over it over the last 6 weeks or so. We'll see... His sheep are apparently meant to be able to hear his voice, so Jesus, open my ears!!

A very quick blog. it might snow this week which feels me with hope and anticipation. I love snow!!
Last week we were at a conference for Vineyard church leaders. It was so great to get away, gain some perspective on life again and let God answer some 'who am I , what am i for' questions. I love our God.
Yesterday I cycled for 2.5 minutes on a bike, which was a great breakthrough in the ankle getting better department. i should be able to cycle for a little way on flat ground now (which is mighty hopeful in a city of hills). I am very happy.
This weekend we're off to ireland to hang out with the Causeway Coast Vineyard guys for a Via teaching weekend. Should be great - so long as I can get rid of this miserable cold that i picked last week!

My wonderful husband (http://pellucid_2.blogspot.com/) has designed me a new blog layout. Nice eh?! thanks lovely man.

What has happened over the last few months? well, let's think.
I had an operation on my ankle in november to fix an old skiing accident. it is still getting better slowly and not being able to exercise or drive or even walk very far (and definitely with no speed if i do) is starting to drive me nuts.
Christmas happened and was generally a relaxing time. we saw lots of friends and ate really nice food and gave thanks to our great God.
i bumped into an old uni friend on gloucester road who's just moved to bristol - great to see him. another lovely friend has moved back from france. my friend claire is coming to visit from australia in the summer - yey!
i have fallen more in love with my husband than ever. how thankful i am that i have married a man who searches hard after our God, in spite of how hard it can sometimes seem.

i am feeling stirred by God to search after him - it's a good stirring of 'where do i fit?'. I don't want to get hung up on 'call' as i am particularly un-fond of that word and the stress and inaction that it provokes in peoples' lives around me. i know i feel super-passionate about teh marginalised and for discipling (the 'gospel' encompasses both i reckon) and i guess i just want to be figuring out how best i can take action in these areas in this life. easier said than done but it's happening, which is a start. god forgive me for taking so long at getting round to being more intentional and for speaking os many words and knowing your prompting but not doing anything about it.