today i am having a bad day: i woke up grumpy and feeling tired, having had too much in our diaries for the past 3 weeks and God doing lots of clearing out of me, leaving me a bit washed out. i was late leaving for work, my chain fell off on the way and i got really oily trying to pull it out of where it had got itself jammed, then i got stuck in traffic behind stinky polluting buses, then my gears didn't work properly. i finally got to work almost laughing at myself because of how grumpy i was.
i spoke with a work colleague who thankfully made me laugh. i am on the road to recovery... hopefully!!

a lovely guy from our church has written such a great report back from his time away that you have to see it. It echoes woderfully the first time I encountered Jackie Pullinger - mainly the way he describes the interraction with god that goes on and how they seem to actually understand that god is real and give him the respect and space to be so.
I love how he's written so humbly and how it's handy he's done it as I have been unable to without getting frustrated and cross and now I can just point people to him!
Thanks Andy!

when hard things come along in life it's a strange realisation to think that when you were young and your parents had hard stuff come along you'd look at it and feel safe that they were 'adults' and so would know what to do and be grown up and sort it out. As i get older I realise that actually no-one ever 'grows' up - your parents didn't ever really know what they were doing, it just seemed like it to the little people around them. They just muddled through and hoped (and prayed in some cases). hard times now just mean being more and more like a little girl again and trying to just let myself fall into the lap of the one who really does knwo what he's doing.

Another reason to avoid Tesco:
So I was shopping in Tesco a couple of days ago, for white wine vinegar which my three local supermarkets didn't have for some reason (!) and whilst i was there i thought I would save some time, of which I was rapidly running out, and buy some eggs. I went to the egg section and hunted around for the free range ones. There weren't loads left but I thought I'd take some - checked them and found they were all cracked inside the box. I tried another and the same - this then happened 5 times. The last box I tried I opened to find a dead chick inside which i gues smust have hatched and then died being unable to get out due to being packed into a big stacking crate thing. Yuk yuk yuk.
I subsequently went to my local greengtocers where I usually buy my eggs and got some free range ones there, for cheaper and which were bigger and fresher. Just goes to show local is generally much better than national!

The last couple of month have been pretty hectic. Managed to get through the exam period ok and now have lots of time of in lieu to take so I can have a relaxing summer. Then I went with the Form team to Syria and Lebanon to pray and chat with people. It was a very amazing experience and deserves a full blog of its own, which I will endeavour to do at some point soon. Then Tom and I went to Ireland for 5 days for a Form centre-leaders meeting with the other guys who run Form, or its equivalent, around the globe. It was really great to hang out with some like-minded people, exchange ideas and feel inspired for the future. Now all we need are more formettes for next year. Oh, just so you can start getting your head round it, Form will be no loner so-called from September. We, in the Vineyard, are branding ourselves as 'Via' (meaning the Way). It'll be fun to put a Vineyard swing on things.
Briefly, things I have been thinking about and challenged on:
Israel and Lebanon - gutted. Many have mentioned how glad we must be to have got back just before it all started. To be honest Tom and I are actually more overwhelmingly concerned for those we have left behind. Thankfully 3 of our closest contacts have managed to leave already. I can't help thinking of one woman though who told us how glad she was that Syria had finally left and Israel was no longer there, having grown up in the war and lost many family members and friends to it. She felt really free and energised and happy. Now I guess things are back to the way they have always been for her. Just gutting. Please do pray for a solution to come up, that justice would be paid out by God and not by man.
Healing - we're looking through the topic of healing in housegroup at the moment and it's super challenging to try and figure your way through it, trying to figure out what is experience and fear and what is God. We met some of the people who head up the healing on the streets at Causeway Coast Vineyard whilst over in Ireland and were really inspired. They see it - every Saturday!!!! How can that be denied?
Time Management - what to do with my free time. I only work part time and I have spent time asking god what he'll let me do with the other 2.5 days a week. I could easily fill it with many things but want the best. I feel challenged at the moment to make time to sit in cafes and pray for prophetic thigns for people. I have longed to see it happen for such a long time but have now felt quite strongly the push from god to actually do something about it myself!

I am now in the middle of the exams i have been organising. It's an interesting challenege to stay calm and peaceful in the middle of absolute chaos!

Today on the way to work i saw a little boy, about 5 or 6, running round in a Mr Incredible all in one suit, with padded fake muscles in the right places. It was very cute and he was fully in his own Mr Incredible world battling away at the baddies. I think there's some kind of analogy to find there with Go and taking on the spiritual realm but needing to remember to take our suits off from time to time to remember who we are, but can't qute get it clear in my head though. The thing i do have clear in my head is how much fun that little kid was having being something he wasn't, but who he thought he could be.

Here's to the next 3 weeks being finished and life returning a little more back to normal (whatever that's supposed to look like!)

The last two weeks have been ones of being very busy - cooking for people: housegroup lent meals, families with new babies or people in hospital; of visiting hospitals, of praying with friends, of making new friends, of going on walks, of busyness at work... It's funny how you can only work part time and yet still be super-occupied!
How to be a busy person and have a relationship with God is an interesting one. I have tried to fit in short little spaces of time in my day which has been good and then have tried also to make the most of my hour slots here and there between things. I still think part of it is, as a friend and i were talking about, making room for a sabath time regularly. I guess this needs to be quite flexible as there ARE times in life which are busier than others, but trying to prioritise some time each week where i can have two or three hours to be is good food for the soul i think. I know Tom starts to notice when i haven't spent that time being refreshed by spending time with God and remembering who i am, what life is about and who God is - my emotional side comes shooting out and i'm either crying or being grumpy much more than normal! Poor tom. So i need to do it for his sake as well as my own!

A big waffle to not say much apart form what is filling my mind today.

A very very speedy blog (you will be able to tell from the atrocity of my spelling) as i'm about to go home from work.

Just got back yesterday from a really great weekend away with some lovely friends in the Brecons. I'd never been there before so turning up to a load of snow and beautiful hills has made me fall in love with the place hugely.

God's still doing lots of stuff in me, kind of like being deconstructed i think! I did have some really nice times over the weekend though: one whilst worshipping and realising that for the first time i was coming to God not because i wanted something, or to prove something, or to be approved of, gain etc, but just to worship and love God because i'm loved and be with him. No other agenda. It felt so totally freeing and GREAT!!! The other was though a book i skim read whilst there that someone lent me about being like a child - stripped away of the fears, anxiety, habits, constraints that the world puts on and really just being free. It felt good to know that and has rooted itself somewhere inside.

Next week pastor's conference - rock on! Can't wait to see what god has in store there!

i am trying to think of the most significant things that have happened recently to be able to put on this site. there are so many - friends getting pregnant, God providing money for us, being able to stay in our house for longer, a lovely retreat day with my wonderful husband. i think most of all though it's the continued attention of God to helping me become whole. i, with the help of a very helpful counsellor lady (I would thoroughly recommend it - so good for the soul!), have been working my way through a bunch of stuff, a lot of which has to do with living up to others' expectations and seeking approval from other places apart from God, even when not really wanting to - just not being able to escape it. it's so hard to face up to some things you don't like apart yourself, but so important in order to be able to fully begin to live the life that God offers you. i am beginning to realise how much i have missed out on already and how much i don't want to miss out on anything else. Lord help me, more, please. thank you for being so merciful and gracious towards me - you blow me away.

i have also been reading 'Disappointment with God' by Philip Yancey as i have some friends,as well as trying to figure out what i think about the healing thing myself, who are struggling with feeling as if God hasn't answered their prayers. it's a very good book and sheds some helpful light on a good perspective to take on things. wel worth a read!