This weekend, God taught me quite a profound lesson.

As a group of 'Formettes and their leader', we went away to 'Woodadvent' camping barn in Exmoor, a couple of hours away. It is a big 3 storey stone cottage as part of a big working farm, with a log burner which provided a little bit of warmth (but more smoke) and raised wooden platforms round the edge of each wall to sleep on. The idea of the weekend was to spend some time 'bonding' and doing some stuff with Bill on personality.

The weekend included many humouerous and interesting times including:
· silly games (sheep and sheepong – don't ask, but I never want to hear those two words again!)
· wearing four layers of clothing, hats, rugs and sleeping bags and hot water bottles etc to get through both nights and days. It was a chilly one, but we survived (just).
· Bill getting intensely lost upon his arrival at the farm and ending up off-roading in his ford focus!
· Finding out I’m part of only 2% of the female population in the UK, being a INTP in the Meyers Briggs test.
· writing worship songs together.
· panicking that we were all going to die of carbon monoxide poisoning from the log burner which was kicking out rather a lot of smoke at 1am. Amazing what middle of the night irrational logic can tell you!!!

However through all of this I managed to glean something pretty amazing. For years I have learnt about being a leader. I have been taught (and have taught) every class on 'leadership' under the sun by people who obviously thought they could see 'leadership potential' in me. I thought coming into being the course leader of Form that I would have the perfect opportunity of being able to put it into practice again, now that I was a bit more 'sorted out' than I was when in the same kind of role before.

Interestingly (and perhaps predictably) I have found that all the knowledge in the world can't make your heart and spirit right too! How much have I spent time telling other people that and how much is it true that we are the last to really understand what we spend most of our time telling other people! Last night I had just about reached the end of my tether. I had spent 2 pretty full-on and totally intensive weeks with these 6 lovely people who have given up 9 months of their life to do the course and being a classic introvert I desperately needed space. I got grouchy and resentful and snappy and desperately wanted to run away. I was unreasonable and probably quite unhelpful.

I had spent some time sitting in a field with a beautiful view of the surrounding valleys on the Sunday morning trying to clear my head and asking God what he was saying to me for today and didn't really seem to hear anything. Later on in the evening, however, when tom and I were talking about how the weekend had gone and what we thought God had got in store for these people, tom pointed out how I needed to a) apologise for my behaviour towards them, b) learn to how to get re-energised through these people and through God when I'm with these people. I was pretty cut to the core, because those are such hard things for me to do but also because they are so true. As Tom put on Sheryl Crow's 'No-one said it would be easy' which he thought I needed to listen to (!), I felt God speaking right into my heart and talking to me in his kind, convicting and yet thoroughly serious way about the nature of being a leader. He talked about how it's not about being the bossy one in charge who can organise things and people; that although you can help them become who he's made them to be by putting them through a course and helping them work on what you can prophetically see God pointing out; but instead it is to be the humble one who serves. I reflected on how I'd even kept checking that I was helping with cooking and washing up etc so that I was serving them and that they would therefore pick up on how leaders should serve them. I realised that he was talking so much more about being the servant who lays down their life (comforts, need for sleep and isolation, need to be right, need to be in charge and in control) for those they are leading. I suddenly started to more understand what was going on when Jesus washed his disciples feet and felt God talking about how much he loved and valued these people and their development and that as their 'leader' I was HIS servant, at his beck and call to do everything and anything he asked me to in order to help them grow, even if this meant laying aside my wants and perceived needs when he asked me to. I'm not saying that he wouldn't want me to rest and replenish alone or that I shouldn't take an active role in bossing them around (everyone needs bossing around at some point, it shows where they are proud!!), but when he's calling me to answer a need, in this case, one to be discipled, I need to be prepared to be uncomfortable to do it. This may not sound like a big deal and for those of you reading this who are wisened leaders I can hear you thinking, ah yes, that old chestnut, but it is feeling like a rather fundamental lesson, a deep profound change that needs to be implanted into my heart from God before I can go on. My life is God's and as the old Vineyard adage goes, I really do need to be change in His pocket to be spent as he desires. I am no longer my own, but belong to Him.

Interestingly when we were at Badger House earlier this year with all of the other Form centre leaders, one of the things that spoken prophetically over me was the need to do the things that I felt uncomfortable in, in order to demonstrate to them how to do it. I had presumed that this would be things like going out onto the streets to pray for people (lord, please no!) but I think it's starting at a much more profound level. So now I have the rather humble task ahead of me of apologising to those who I am meant to be leading for not being Godly towards them. It feels so hard but so good.

Needless to say I am thankful that God has showed me this right at the start of this year before I mess the guys up too much. And it feels so good that it's a God-humbling-me thing rather than me thinking I should be doing something different thing. Surely only then, when it comes from the heart and the spirit, can I have any impact on anyone else…

When I was out sitting on my hill this morning, one of the dogs from the farm came up with me and as soon as we hit the big, open, freshly ploughed fields, he went nuts chasing after all of the grouse and other game birds wandering around. It was amazing to watch as he had so much fun and dashed around like a lunatic. Then out of the long storks of some cabbages that hadn't yet been picked, he came shooting out and bounded over with a grouse actually in his mouth, still faintly alive. Now normally this to me would be totally gutting and I would feel really sad for the bird. This time however I could do nothing but stand in admiration of this dog who was so fully living as he was intended to live and doing only what he knew to do. I was in awe (sadly this was slightly broken as he then stood expectantly beside me obviously waiting for me to do something and I wasn't sure if I was meant to pat him on the back and send him on his way with his prize or take the now dead bird from his mouth as his gift to me. Instead I kind of praised him and walked him back down to the farm where his kind master could deal with it all much more effectively!). On reflection maybe THIS is what God was talking to me about – being the kind of person who could only do what they were made to do, which in my case it to do whatever God wants from me, to help usher in His kingdom here and now, in whichever way he would chose that to happen. And what pleasure the dog got from it and what a reward when he got a big pat and praise. The phrase 'well done, good and faithful servant' comes to mind…

oh dear. it's beena long time... Just a sign of much busy-ness. Form is starting next week and so i've been pretty manic trying to get all of that stuff ready. It's amazing how much paperwork it can breed! But we have 5 people coming and we have homes for them all and a pretty good syllabus planned until Christmas and so not much is left to do aside from plan a few sessions and then we're done! Hooray!!!

What else? Not much really, just trying to figure out how best to give money away, how to help people who are mouring, how to react when heaps of my friends are pregnant and it's not the right time for us yet etc etc. Interesting times.

The whole money thing is such a big one for me. Being a trustee of God's resources is a hard job sometimes in trying to figure out what he would best have you do with it. There are billions of starving and very underprivilidged people in the world and yet i have so much. Could it be i have so much so i can give them some (like jacqui Pullinger says, if you see them then you have to do something about it. how many people don't see what's going on in the world as they have allowed themselves to become hard to it. why do i see so much? how can so many people drive along my road and not see the handful of prostitutes who hang out on the corners or in dark shadows? has god given me 'eyes to see' which i need to do something about, or do they others just see them but ignore them?). Or should i look to more immediate surroundings? Or should i try and fight unjust world systems, the cause of much of it. Then again, you have to think too about the nature of poverty and if an ease of that problem is what people really need - surely they need jesus more. How can you give someone something and talk to them about Jesus without them thinking they have to accept Jesus in order to get the gift you're giving. Then if you don't say anything and just give the gift, when do you say the words? I do feel that eventually the words do need to be said. As much as people come along with the 'preach the gospel at all times and if necessary use words' thing, i still can't help but see everywhere in the bible jesus doing things and then explaning why. everywhere...
(not sure i want advice on this one as so many people have so many opinions about it. I'm looking to see what god has for me, today and this week and then the month then the year then fo rmy life. I think he's quite personal about some things...)

so, it's a time of busy-ness and also of many questions. My brain seems to be in hyper-drive!!!