on trying to be a woman of faith

father it feels very hard sometimes to trust you: that you're real, that you're acting, alive, here, now, in me around me.

but I want to. 

I want to live life in a way that is good for us: beneficial for me in lack of stress, a good witness for you, and a means by which the times you have given me here on earth are inextricably linked, joined, merged into you and loving you and being loved by you.

please help me to become, carry on with, grow deeper into being a child who lives like this: of not being overwrought with fear and lack of trust and of not being able to see how on earth you're going to sort out this next thing; of being someone worthy of being written into the testimony of the great cloud of witnesses; of loving you with all my might and letting your returning love banish fear, uncertainty and anxiety from my being.

a high call some might say but i reckon it's do-able - with your help. so please help me.

thanks x

Today I was reading Matthew 18 and found myself wondering about the part where Jesus talks about what to do when there is an issue between two people and one has sinned against the other: you go to them yourself to see if they'll repent, then take 2 others if they won't,  then take it before the church. Then if they are still unwilling to say sorry you should treat them in the same way you would do a gentile or a tax collector. 

I know historically, and undoubtedly correctly, this is interpreted as needing to treat them as an outcast, a breaking of the fellowship between you. The thing that came into my mind today though was how Jesus is the one who comes for the outcast and lost and rejected and spent his time when he was on earth hanging out with prostitutes and tax collectors and sinners and that the proceeding passage is about the shepherd, aka the Father, searching for the 1 lost sheep. I think there are probably lots of avenues I could take this down but I think I will content myself currently with the thought that Jesus is a mystery! I like how we will never really know what he was on about until we get to meet him face to face, the only sad thing is that we end up arguing so much and hurting so many people in the not knowing.

(I quite like the thought of actually maybe Jesus was being funny - that in casting them out (and protecting the body etc etc) they are then the very ones that we need to go searching for)

Pregnancy Insomnia

I have given up trying to be asleep for a little while. i have found that when I wake up, normally for some pregnancy-related thing and can't get back to sleep straight away I can either lay in bed for a few hours and get stressed about not being asleep, or I can get up and have a nice warm drink and read a book, or in today's case, enter lots of competitions online to win things and read the news. Pretty sad eh! But I guess it may get me in good stead for when the baby arrives and I have to be up at all hours. I hope so anyhow.

In life otherwise nothing much going on except sleeping in the afternoons a bit, seeing a lovely friend from Sweden who's over, going for autumnal walks and attempting to get Christmas presents sorted out now so that I don't have to think about them at all later on. In fact, I may just start writing the cards now - yet another good way to pass the middle-of-the-night awakeness...!!

So in a moment of utter boredom (on my part) the other day Tom insisted that I watch a little bit of the promo video thing online for the iPhone. He has been pretty obsessed recently and I have thus far spurned all attempts to interact with me on the hypothetical notion of him purchasing one. This hasn't really changed much, BUT whilst watching the promo I was absolutely blown away by the technology of the phone. It really is, and this from a non-gadget (except maybe ones for the kitchen) person, quite an  amazing piece of equipment. So I can now understand a little more of why he wants one. I don't think it's going to happen though!!!

On a different note, I had fun at our Sunday gathering yesterday, seeing God being very real and active with people, of him reminding me of who I am and of working alongside Him to bring some of his kingdom into hurting peoples' lives. It's what, if I could live my ideal life, I would spend every minute doing I think.

I have just finished reading a book which I really enjoyed. It is called 'Two Babushkas: How my grandmothers survived Hitler's war and Stalin's peace', by Masha Gessen.  It's basically as the title might suggest: a history, written as narrative, of two Jewish women who lived in Russia through the 2nd world war and then through the Communist regime under Stalin, with a bit at the end of their lives from his death until the present day. For anyone who likes history and likes reading it as prose it's a good one!

On a slightly different note I am finding life to be a bit strange this week. I have lots of time on my hands and have a few things to do and process and plan, but am generally too tired to do very much. It feels quite frustrating, like I'd like to muster up the energy to go and see friends in the evenings but can't quite bring myself to do it as I know that I'll be falling asleep by 9pm. It's good to have so much time with my lovely husband (who relishes introvert time and me not arranging our usual frantic social life!!) but I feel extremely anti-social with regards the wider world! So for any friends out there who are reading this, I am still alive and we do still love you! Please be patient, or drag us out early!!

Today on the BBC news website there is a link to a really beautiful display of nature. It's one of my favourites of the season generally and one that I can easily spend very much time watching. As it's not a direct link, have a look under 'Starlings' spectacular autumn display' on teh right hand column of the page.

Today I was having a lie-down after lunch (oh the luxuries of being pregnant - if only everything didn't ache so much as to necessitate it!) and was reminded of this mini-sermon by Dr SM Lockridge.

I did in fact think it was another one where the speaker goes on to list how Jesus is represented in each book of the bible, but remembered that I had heard it before anyway and it was a nice refreshing thing to listen to. It's wonderfully pentecostal and not at all my usual style but still sends shivers up my spine! Worth a listen!

I was going to blog about last night's halloween events, but my lovely husband has got there first. Needless to say, it was very amusing!