It's been snowing for nearly 24 hours and I think around 16 inches of snow has covered our neighbourhood in a beautiful white blanket. I went out for a walk today, wading through deep powdery snow and was thankful and happy. I love when nature takes over and thwarts our plans! It was slightly frustrating having to wade out through the snow at 8am to go to the local hardware store to get a plunger to fix a blocked toilet though!

On a different note, our lives have been turned inside out and upside down in the last 3 months. We have moved into a time of transition in the church structure and leadership, national financial crisis and its consequences and my returned depression.

I had horrid post-natal depression after my little man was born and having come off the drugs in June, I thought it was gone. But I guess life got too much and being away from home and coping with huge life-stressors pushed my delicate, newly restored brain chemicals too far! I have lots to learn about how best to cope with stress and anxiety - I'm not the world's best.

But I have really come more to terms with limitations and that it's ok to be who I am. I have spent many, many of my adult years pursuing being a superwoman, out to conquer the world, climb mountains, be all and do all and now I have realised I can't.

It was a bit of a shock, but more of a relief. It feels nice to not be striving. Most of all it feels nice, so, so good to know really deep inside that my abba loves me in whatever state I am. He doesn't ask me to perform to win his affections, or to be perfect to make him love me. I'm beginning to realise, in this my 35th year on the earth, that he loves me no matter what I do and that all he asks is that I bask in it and let the fruit, the life change, the love for others come from doing so. He has come to me; I don't have to strive to find him. It's a good place to be.

It has been a long time since I've blogged. Many reasons: having friends to stay, moving house, life issues and joining Facebook. But the need has come to process again.

Yesterday we went to the last day of a conference at Cedar Ridge community church. The building is set in a large bunch of acres of grassy farmland in which they have set up prayer stations and a labyrinth. During Reuben's sleep time I decided to go round the labyrinth to cast some woes upon Jesus and see what came of it. I haven't been sleeping much over the last few days and was exhausted, with lots of questions about why fears are there. I walked around the labyrinth, heavier with each step until I came to the middle where I sat and wept and wept in front of my God. He took my tears and showed me a memory of a painful moment of my childhood which caused some of my anxiety and broke its power. I found my abba again and walked out of the labyrinth lighter-hearted.

I realised how little I have been looking after myself, probably for a long while now. I have become consumed with making sure life happens and coping and getting on with things. Fatal, almost, error. I realised how much more I need to take some time each week to be alone, out of the house with no responsibility and how much I need days like yesterday where I can walk in fields and be with my abba. Let it be Lord. Help me and us to make space.

It also made me think about the wonderful treasure there is in historical, liturgical, mysterious ways of meeting with God. The monastic life has survived for a long time and has many plus points to learn from I think. I was looking at a website today that had a picture of the cloisters of a monastery on it and I could almost breath in the peace which my soul remembered from spending retreat days in them in the UK.

Today our friend, Tim, who we used to live next door to in Bristol along with his wife Julie and Alisha their little girl, left to go back to the UK. He spent one night with us after a few days of business in DC.

It is hard to be a foreigner in a foreign land and all that can be said is that it is so good to be known. Really known I guess, by someone who has 5 years of history with us as a couple and 10 years of friendship with Tom. Our friends here are very special and amazing people but at the moment friendship of a short length is superseded by friendship of being really known and it feels hard to be left.

Now I know that gun law is a controversial thing, but this article really did it for me today. I especially like the bit which says:

"For some reason, most people think that carrying guns is sinful. It's not. I think my life is worth protecting."

I feel that somewhere her logic about sin hasn't quite been extended to the other end of the sentence.

Two other things I have been thinking about:

1. I love chipmunks! They are small, timid, very cute and we have a billion of them around our woody garden

2. I also am still loving our bank (I have previously been enamoured by their constant free provision of nice coffee when you go in and the occasional cake). The other day I went to pay in my cheque to find some of the employees barbeque-ing outside! Upon enquiring what was going on, I found out it was a customer appreciation day and they were giving away free hotdogs, crisps, drinks and cake! Even though I know that it is a big gimmick to try and win more people in, especially with the economy, I was won over and professed my undying loyalty. 

Wimbledon started today - HOORAY!!! I love Wimbledon. I don't really know why - I don't watch the other tournaments. It captures me though and I really could happily spend 2 weeks solidly watching tennis. 

I have managed to find some good coverage here on ESPN2 (for some ridiculous reason the Tennis Channel isn't showing it!!!!!) but I am really missing the UK commentators. It adds something to it and watching it over the years you get used to their funny quips and build up (in a weird way) some relationship with them albeit one sided. Ho hum. At least I can still see some of it!

I also miss my Wimbledon-watching buddies... Hi ladies!

There have been two events in the BBC news that have made me cry yesterday and today:

http://news.bbc.co.uk/sport2/hi/football/teams/m/man_utd/8094720.stm

I know Jesus says the poor will always be with you, but surely there should be some regulation about not spending so much on a person who can kick a ball of leather around and maybe giving the money to something more worthwhile. I guess you can't regulate for peoples' hearts though.

http://news.bbc.co.uk/2/hi/africa/8096874.stm

And in particular this bit:

"There is also evidence that many girls are being targeted by child traffickers, Save the Children's country director Rachel Pounds says.

They are thought to have plans to send young Zimbabwean girls to South Africa to feed the appetite of those attending next year's football World Cup finals."

I have just experienced the wonders of a private health care system. 

When my doctor said she was going to refer me to a specialist for some stuff going on, I thought back to the days in the UK where you would wait 4-6 months for an appointment. Then, upon getting an appointment for 3 days later (it was the weekend), I was then referred to get some tests done. Yet again, expecting some delay - a good few weeks at  least even in a private health care world -  I was offered an appointment for the next day!  Sadly I had to turn them down and make one for next week (much to their surprise!) as Tom is away for the week and I have no-one to look after Reubs in the day.

Even though there are some things which are wearing off in their novelty here I really hope that the privilege of having this kind of healthcare doesn't. The NHS in the UK is fantastic  though and although a lot of people moan about it, it is the most wonderful health-for-all system ever. AND it works so fast when you really are very sick. Bring it on here I say.